Posted: June 15, 2014 in xcerta prose
Tags: , , , , ,


I searched his face, I found his mind. It was lost. It was numb. His heart was spread around with the storm. He suddenly grew ages into the future.
‘We cannot be together’. I said. ‘ we don’t have our lives together. Let’s keep being friends.’
I knew from genesis, I wouldn’t be with him. He will never be my man. I will never marry a man!
He was just too suitable to be desired, deserved, declared wanted.
I am just too cruel, crude, that I should be rested off in pieces at catacombs!
My mother always said,’if he is too true, he is a lie.’
I knew his was true truth but he was too steady, too ready, too….
He once told me he met me and I made him want to love, want to trust, want to burst out with passion greater than that of a hungry charging lion.
I said I am too wasted, too tasted, too listed to elope with undecided passion, unaccustomed actions, unwanted contracts.


I never told him how my life was. How I was deprived, denied, derived. I never told him how, I was tossed, pierced, pounced, by lustful men for years, how I lost my dignity, my sincerity for one man.
The lustful men, I educated their lustfulness, they fulfilled my neediness. My wants was neither for passion nor lust, it was monetary.


I did it all by men for a man.
I wanted him to be the best so I took the night shift. At least that’s what I called it. I gave him every penny I made. I gave him every piece of my soul, every ounce of my heaviness.
When he found out, he left me. He left me with nothingness. I didn’t even have me. What was left of me was garbage. I am garbage! He said ‘you! You re a whore.’ I was torn, worn, burnt.


As I cried, days turned into seasons, nights into generations. I still cry, ten times a day. Ten times a day is how much I remember what I did for a man. Ten times a day is how much i remember what I am today.
This evening, Chukwu says, ‘Bukola, will you marry me?’


I shall never be a victim of my actions again so I said, ‘no dear’.
He will find out. He will leave. They always do.
I was a good girl. I am a good girl but no one shall ever know.
I shall live and die alone.


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